Well, it hasn't been a very "examined life" lately, I must say ... These last two weeks I have been wandering in a surreal landscape of sleeplessness and confusion, and have been performing only the most rudimentary of tasks in order to get through the days. Sitting down and writing often felt like it was beyond the scope of my abilities, and I knew this, and it was o.k. For the time being. Because everything is just "for the time being."
In a darkened room late at night I lie on my couch - now turned into a bed - and I breathe deeply, wishing to spread calm through my nervous system. And I think about so-called pleasant thoughts so as not to agitate my brain: thoughts like the beautiful video I saw of the orphaned elephants in Kenya being lovingly tended by their keepers, or the pleasures of the novel I'm reading, or imagining getting together soon with my family ... Benign and comfortable thoughts. Following what I've learned about sleep disorder, I have turned off the television and engaged in less stimulating activities like reading before I turn out the light. Medications sit at the bedside as well as a cup of what I call "sleepy tea"... I am not doing well on the couple of meds I've taken for reasons unknown, and I keep searching for another way to help myself sleep ... Perhaps a pot-laced piece of chocolate will help... Yes, as a matter of fact it did help last night.
But there are more nights to come, and life is uncertain... What does this insomnia suggest? Am I anxious or worried? Am I stressed or angry? Is my body's chemistry changing in some mysterious way that causes this hyper vigilance ? Does knowing the answer to any of these questions really help? What does help?
I do know there is too much bad news inside my head, and I am considering going on a news fast. This will be hard, because I'm addicted to the Evening News Hour on PBS, and the NY Times online. The school murders, the hospital bombings, drowning cities like Charleston, the mean spirited energy on the political front ... these and much more. The vibrations from these horrors are swirling in my brain every day, with only the occasional respite of good news, like the real and compassionate Pope Francis in Washington DC and New York, or our Governor Brown signing the Assisted Dying law in California, or the beautiful soulful face of President Obama as he declares he will make gun control political, because that's the only place where we can negotiate a change. Yes, there's a lot to think about and hold.
There's also the young bright eyed high school students who come to 826 Valencia to be tutored in writing on a Monday evening -- energetic, and shy, precocious, and sometimes awkward, these kids are committed to working on their writing. They have stories to tell and a willingness to learn how to go down that writer's road, a hard one for sure. There's also the tender loving respect in a room of hospice volunteers past and present whose hearts are breaking because their community seems to be seriously eroded and the zen in the Project is clearly fading away. And of course there are the random acts of kindness that come to us as we go through our days, small and sweet, sometimes just a random smile, or something so small we barely see it.. We don't have to think of the world as a terrifying place really because on the other side of the terror sits the beauty of people's feelings and actions. The old "10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows" that the Buddha talked about...
BUT, when you haven't had enough rest and sleep, a lot about the world does feel scary: the speed of every moving vehicle in the city, the noises both sudden and ongoing, surrounding you as you navigate your way through the day. I feel like an old lady these days, mincing along slowly, watching my every step. You could say I'm becoming increasingly mindful, I guess, and that's a good thing, but there is also a lurking feeling of overwhelm from everything around me. So, I must stop and simply see this as "overwhelm," and not let it define me or my experience. That's what a "good Buddhist" would do. I do know this, but will I practice it, will I be able to dis-own this difficulty? I want this very much ... not so I can call myself a good Buddhist, but so I can open my heart again to my life, and work and think more spaciously.
Maybe tomorrow, after I spend an hour really waking up (for that is what it is like on medications), I will sit on my cushion for a while and breathe. Yes. I think that's a good plan. And see what shows up. And if my granddaughter's face comes to me I will smile, or if I see a slaughtered elephant or drowning person, I will just breathe deeply and send out love to the world ... and to myself. It appears that this is what I must do.
