I have a road map now, a journey out from this place, where I both relax into the care being given, and twitch with restlessness and anger because of my condition. I will leave here in a week to rest with my great pal in Atherton, who has a spacious peaceful, level house where I can continue the convalescence. The last few days have been filled with emotion, a sense of deep helplessness and intermittent tears... One kid gone on vacation, another one coming, and myself floating in this lonely institution, trying always to remember impermanence, and lovingkindness. I say thank you a lot here because I must, and I go inside and see how things are changing each hour, each day, and AGAIN I know about what Ajhan Cha called "uncertainty." And I think about my road map, and place myself just where I am in time, right here, right now, with the minutes ticking by invisibly.
My distressed neighbor Mr. Tibbs left today, and I have to say I felt relief knowing this. His agony and wild vocalizing (especially at night) stirred me up, set off fear, anger, all those feelings we all would rather not own..... Fear of pain, of dying, of not being understood, of being humiliated, of not being seen -- the list goes on. Anger because I want my private space to be quiet, because the story I have told myself is that I need tranquility to mend. When I step back to look at it, that anger is pretty selfish and contracted, and I do not want to be that way. But it is all about being with what is - isn't it? And I certainly have sent lovingkindness to this man in many odd moments, unseen, and I know that he has no wish to harm his fellow beings. He is in deep suffering. And now he is gone.
My visit with the ortho doctor Tuesday, Dr. Morshed, in San Franscisco, was quite an adventure. I was transported in a wheel chair van to this slick new complex in China Basin, where I met with the colleague of the man who did my surgery - a man as yet unknown to me, and to whom I feel extreme gratitude. His message: all is moving along according to plan, normal healing taking place, with a 6 week overall prognosis for complete healing, which makes another 4 weeks before I can consider completing that journey! My arm will take longer. The 11 stitches were pulled from my arm, and small tapes applied, and now that arm hangs just as anyone else's might, bare and unadorned, except quite bent. I will revisit the ortho corporation at the beginning of August at which time X-rays will be done to ascertain the true status of this injured left side of mine. It is not time yet to know anything for certain. We can only sit around and talk of what is expected, what is the norm under my current circumstances. Uncertainty once again. I liked having this visit though it gave me no guarantees. I felt listened to and informed. I knew where I was on this path back to my other life, the life before this life.
Yesterday felt shaky and emotional, today feels stable ..... and who knows about tomorrow? Stay here now, just here, just now. The road map will be there exactly when you need it!
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