Waiting

Awake since early, early ... 5:45 or so when the sun's light was still a soft blue-yellow through all the greenery outside my window.   I was unable to return to sleep, so eager am I to move on, to go to my friend's house and begin my journey back to a normal life "out" in the world.  This is the morning of my release, therapists having agreed I am capable of managing outside this institutional setting.  And because it is the morning of my release, I am eager, impatient even for all to go smoothly.  Perhaps there is a lingering fear that at the last minute they'll say to me I can't go, I don't know...  I just want to hear it verified, and so I sit in my room waiting.
Waiting - now there's a familiar experience!  As much time as we spend in these rooms alone, stuck in our own heads with the ten top tunes and the 15 favorite anxieties, we have a lot of time to understand "waiting."  Don't think that the Buddha would think that waiting was a constructive way to spend one's days, for what is waiting but leaning forward into the non-existent "future"?  I have to confess that I AM leaning forward into that future (and I'll forgive myself here for being yet again an imperfect Buddhist!).  I feel complete with my present, and ready to take the next steps.
Before I move on I guess I should pause to acknowledge the kindness and care of this place.  The entirely non-white nursing staff has been generous, sweet, good humored at times, even understated as they do their work moment to moment.  Because I have set myself apart here, they have never hovered, and at times have walked on by instead of checking in.  My own fault perhaps, for acting as though I didn't need much help at all.  Or, for acting as though I just preferred my own company.  Another example of our actions having consequences!   Then, of course, there are times when I want the attention and conversation, or just plain information, and feel I have to push for it, and then try to find patience. Things don't happen quickly here, I've found, much as is the case in hospice....   This is a good thing.  Where do we need to rush to after all?
I have had so many thoughts and feelings about death since being here, surrounded by so many who appear to be closer.  When I look at these white haired old men and women, I try to picture myself in their spot, truly helpless in the wheelchair, slumped over from sheer weakness, waving at phantom images, or moaning from that feeling of being lost in the dark.....I so want to be at ease with this enormous, mysterious event in my life, and still feel myself shrinking away.  No, no, not yet, I repeat to myself, I'm not ready.  The pain I have endured from these injuries has made me reflect on how NOT in control of things we all are, and in sitting with that awareness there's that understanding that my death is similarly out of my control.

There's awareness, and then there are feelings and emotions.   Awareness feels so calm, cool, collected, focused, and right.  And then the feelings come rushing in, all jagged and turbulent, speaking my fears as though through an echo chamber, sounds ever cycling back on themselves.  Every new strange physical sensation in my leg or arm sets off a stream of feelings colored by anxiety.  Will this beat up body ever return to its former pre-accident state, I often wonder.  That question surely needs to be relegated to the "don't know" or "out of my control" file!    It's just pain - no story attached.  Remember impermanence.

So, here I sit waiting, as the sun becomes more yellow and brilliant on the leaves outside, leaning forward toward the unknown stretching out in front of me.  Better I should pull myself upright rather than lean, and move more steadily and securely through the coming hours and days and .... That would be safer not only for body but for mind and heart as well.

May all those who labor here in service of the frail, sick, and dying, be safe, happy, and free from suffering.    May they (we) know their (our) true nature.