Tomorrow I will face another birthday, and I must admit that I've been been repeatedly announcing to any who will listen lately that I'm going to be 70 so that I will actually believe it! These decade birthdays are tricky. As soon as you land on one, you begin to look back at the others: reminiscing with yourself about what it felt like to be 50, 60, or god knows, even 40. I swear that I can't go back beyond 40. That seems too far... It becomes pretty dim, like the swirl of chaotic memories I have been navigating lately in my book.
Yesterday I had a surprising conversation with a young woman in her late thirties, I'm guessing, who was actually reflecting on how cool she thought older people were. They in fact didn't seem old to her. And I started to think about the delights that come with the increased freedom as you get older. Freedom to think your own weird thoughts without apology, freedom to just up and go to the movies at the last moment, spend a lot of your day in your pajamas, eat left-over chicken for the third time, or better yet, splurge on an expensive sushi dinner! Yes, freedom comes, and slowing down comes, and reflections galore. You spend a lot of time in your head; you settle in there and begin the process of getting to know your elder self. You don't worry -- and this I told the young woman with great pleasure -- about the things you're NOT going to do in your life. There is nothing to prove to yourself anymore, except perhaps that you have the desire and capacity to take good care of yourself, and open your heart to others. You worry less about going out there and changing the wrongs of the world. You stay close to home.
Speaking of staying close to home, I am acutely aware of the things I hold close, as I remain close to home. They are, for starters: those I love, and my cats. And finding truth. My Zen calendar had a great message for me today -- it said: "Love of the truth puts you on the spot." Yes sirree, it does! I recently experienced one of the great noble truths when I forged ahead to uncover a truth that was not going to be forthcoming, and I experienced suffering. Yes, there was hurt in my heart because for some reason I assumed that everyone in the world held the same conviction as I that telling the truth is an inherently good and necessary thing to do as long as we watch our intentions, of course, and not speak "truths" with destructive or harmful wishes. What I discovered in this last experience was that I was not in control (yet again!), and that there would be things inside the heads of others that I would never know, no matter how much I persevered in the cause of truth. What do you do then? Well, of course you let it all go, and breathe, and put one foot in front of the other to engage in the array of opportunities that present themselves to you. Everything IS uncertain, and some of what comes can be unpleasant, BUT also some of what shows up is pure magic, a tiny fragment of time that sets your heart stirring, like a little house finch gobbling up seeds on your roof, or listening to the words of Alice Walker. Small moments, big expanded feelings...
We must let go and show up, or show up and let go, whether we're 70 or 40, really. I do think that as we age we have an easier time with this letting go stuff. Is it that we just have less energy to wage all our battles? Or ... that we are in fact wiser? I like to think the wisdom plays a part because that just sounds better to me! I've always loved the idea of being wise. And it is wise to see that all the varied and uncertain phenomena we meet make for a great adventure.
Tonight I will share a dinner with a number of people I hold very dear, and have gratitude for this array of good friends and family. If you don't have love and closeness in your life, you miss the point of this human journey, I am positive. And the more you see the ephemeral nature of loving relationships, the more extraordinary and beautiful they become. As I get older I promise to pause so I can really see what is in front of me, to be held with care, and to express my own true nature. I cannot do this if I stay entangled in struggle, unable to let go... I'm going to remember the words of the wise Thai forest monk Ajhan Cha who said in so many words that the more you let go the more happiness will be yours.
And tomorrow I will get in my car and drive north to the ocean to be in my little beach house and work for a week on revisions of my manuscript, and I will bring with me my beloved cats and the affection of those I have had the fortune to call loved ones. That sounds like a most lovely prospect, and I'm sure all of this will dull whatever angst I have been carrying about becoming old. Simple as that........
No comments:
Post a Comment