What Matters

I have just returned from a week at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in the dry golden hills of Marin where I sat in silence with 50 fellow meditators, all "elders," as we considered aging, dying and awakening.  For some a daunting topic, yes, but for those of us who have slipped past the half century mark, not at all irrelevant.  During these days of retreat there were expansive moments of stillness with only the wild turkeys in the distance cheering us on (or so it felt), an ever changing climate from grey and foggy to bright and steamy, the turbulent workings of our hardworking brains, thoughtful inquiry into what is real in our lives now that we're old, and ultimately a lot of love and compassion born out of the community, our shared experience of both diminishing capacities and accumulated wisdom, as well as the need to participate fully in our lives.

What matters to me now?  We talked about this together last week quite mindfully of course, closing our eyes occasionally to dig deeper.  The road ahead of us is shortening day by day, and we take that to heart.  Each day carries weight now because we see more clearly that our journey could end at any moment.  So ... what does matter?  How will we give ourselves to this life from here on?

Beyond the obvious -  which for me is family, my sweet community of human beings that I've seen grow from the beginning and who feel like bedrock for me - there is an array of things that matter, spreading out in front of me like a colorful mosaic.  I'm going to let these things tumble out now and see what I want to say about them:  Music - the making of it on my grandmother's piano from the age of eight and the listening to it in concert halls, churches, and in the privacy of my living room, Art - the creative expressions I have worked at ever since I was a child making objects out of clay, followed by the years I poured out words on paper in endless journals trying to make sense of my life, and later when I pieced unusual beads together into necklaces in order to tell a story and finally called myself an artist, and finally the return in this final chapter to my first love:  words, and the promise of a completed book.  Service, working for the benefit of others - now there's something that matters; this attraction took different forms and finally brought me to Zen Hospice Project and the great learning at the bedside of those were were dying... and there is Generosity, driven by my grandmother's words to me as a child about the moral responsibility of the well-to-do in life that always lived in my mind, taught me to give whenever possible to those who were in need ... And of course, there is Speaking the truth, born out of a young life surrounded by those who cloaked reality and buried dark secrets, that speaking of the truth leading me ultimately to landing on the Buddhist path where I could feel at home seeing what is real and true, understanding suffering and freedom from suffering.  Animals matter to me: those four legged furry beings and winged creatures who witness us, who display their beauty, humor, and intelligence, and remind us that we are all brothers and sisters.  The pages of the Books I have read matter a great deal to me, from the time I was a young girl and escaped into literature to find my place, to understand other worlds and be thrilled by the beauty of language; for an only child who grew up before television and electronics, books fed my mind and heart.  Friendship and community come to mind as well... the sharing of our loves and our ideas, telling our stories again and again, laughing when we're on the verge of crying, and crying when we need to, safely ...  inhabiting that safe place of like minded human beings.  Contemplation and practice ... that spacious landscape where I have been able to find real peace, self love, the truth, and the preciousness of life itself.

These things that "matter" have been with me for a long time, they have helped form my character. I first experienced beauty (art, music) when I was a child of six or seven, which was about the same time I began learning about how we were connected (and responsible) to those around us because I listened carefully to my grandmother.   I don't know exactly when I saw that telling the truth was exciting beyond measure ... I was too busy trying to get people to listen most of the time! I do know I always felt related to all the cats that we had, that they were highly intelligent animals with a distinct need to be witnessed.  And when I first saw the elephants in Africa I felt in an instant that we had a connection, human to animal...  In my seventy years there have been a few friends who have felt like partners in this life adventure (one of them from the age of three!), women who witness, speak the truth, and are capable of holding love in their hearts throughout this perilous ride ... It seems to me that it isn't until we get to be "of a certain age" that we allow ourselves to pause to appreciate the things that matter.  Once we affirm it, we can do no less than continue living our lives according to these values, paying careful attention each day to what we love.  There is only now, of course - no past and no future.   No time to waste.

I love this subject, and invite anyone reading this to join in the conversation with me.  It is a way we can remember who we are.  What matters to you?