My body has been delivering a few truths to me lately, and since I do NOT want to contemplate the circus of the political right wing, the desecration of Planned Parenthood, the tragic journey of migrants across Europe, or my deep seated ambivalence about Hilary Clinton, I thought I'd take a look at what I've been seeing lately and how it has made me feel.
I wrote last time about letting go, definitely a recurring theme in my blogs posts, but I have a feeling now that I haven't quite mastered it. I seem to be doing this only intermittently, when my ankle hurts and asks for compassion, or my granddaughter writes me a letter that opens a previously closed door so we both can begin again, or when I let go of a work relationship that has ceased to nurture me. New challenges now lurk.... I have been exhausted lately, way more than normal, and have had a couple of health practitioners tell me that my 70 year old adrenal system is depleted and needs for me to find new and different ways to rest. I have in fact been fleeing disaster and seeking safety since I was a lonely little girl in an adult world... At the same time, I have been having a terrible time not being able to sleep. So, fatigue and wakefulness present themselves side by side. An odd, irrational couple, I must say. Insomnia is new to me, and I am experiencing serious resistance to this unwelcome sleeplessness in the quiet and the dark of night. It all feels too abnormal ... after all, night is the time your body is naturally inclined to sleep, right? What happens when you get only four hours a night, as any insomniac will tell you, is that your brain starts to feel impaired, and you move in slow, repetitive motion as though carrying your exhausted body through dense fog. You often feel unsafe, and even just a bit demented. And as soon as I think of dementia, the brain takes me to death and dying. And the unpleasant dark cycle is perpetuated...
None of the above is in the end cause for worry, really. There is no mortal illness in the picture. There are plenty of people out there suffering much worse physical and emotional conditions -- you have only to read the newspaper or click into Facebook to find this out. There is simply a dysfunction in my body's efforts to carry on that is crying out for attention. And this doesn't mean to planning my next distraction, like a trip to Mexico or New York city, or a lovely dinner out at some special restaurant. No, the answer would seem to be much simpler, really. But it is as well a new challenge. It involves stopping. Resting. Giving up on the obsessive striving. This last becomes such a familiar pattern for us humans, I think, this nagging message that we are here on earth to accomplish great things, perform well, get ahead, be recognized. It is part of today's climate where so much is valued in terms of how quickly it will get you the desired results... As we get older, we begin to sense significant limitations to our energy and the shortening of our journey, and so an urgency creeps in, reminding us that we never know how much time there is, and we'd better get cracking if we want our lives to mean something. But, but ... this is mind chatter, really. This is the hard working super ego that insists it tells the truth.
I doubt very much whether human beings like the Dalai Lama or Pope Francis swim ceaselessly in their thoughts about doing and not doing, or the unkind admonitions about performing perfectly ... they are too busy leading their purposeful lives, speaking their truths and opening their hearts to those they encounter. These gentlemen - and it is true they are infinitely gentle beings - are driven by love and compassion to remind their fellow humans of the possibility of freedom. They are thoughtful teachers much like Jesus who saw no divisions amongst humans but rather their goodness, potential, and ability to find the way out of suffering. I believe it is a fact that teachers must teach, just the way we all must breathe, and eat, and sleep, in order to live. This work is always needed in the world, this opening of doors and minds, and it requires a surrendering of oneself and an absence of doubt and self-judgment.
I have spent about 15 years teaching young people to write creative works and good expository papers, and as I look back on that now I don't recall a lot of time spent spinning in my mind about the how of it all. I just showed up and did the work and felt more alive and present for myself than ever before. And the more I showed up, the closer I became to my students, and the better I got. It was never about following a game plan, really, but more about just being present for the work. I have an opportunity now to return to the teaching world as a volunteer tutor, and the prospect of this new relationship makes me happy inside. I must trust this. And I must take my rest deliberately and creatively when I can so I have the energy to make a difference in the days ahead. That is what is true: just these days ahead, day by day.
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